Saturday, November 26, 2005

It seriously stinks getting up on the morning of Day Three of your four day weekend to read crummy news on the 'puter: Pat Morita and Link Wray have both passed away.

I've loved Wray's music ever since I was a wee lad- still do, in fact. And Pat Morita? I grew up with Pat Morita. I loved him as Arnold on Happy Days, but I'm from the Karate Kid generation, and Mr. Miyagi was always one of my favorite movie characters.

This sucks.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Sweet Jesus, but those fine folks at the First Choice Market in Niota are selling their fossil juice for $1.99 a gallon! I never thought I'd see it below two bucks again.

Tonight is my last night of work (until I have to go back to stupid work Sunday evening). This makes me very happy. It should make you happy too.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

I thought this bit of news was interesting: Jeff Blauser is going to be the new manager for Atlanta's Double-A club. You can read all the particulars here if you wish. (You really should, since I took the time to provide a link for you).

I'll always remember Jeff as the guy who played pretty well in Atlanta, got traded to the Cubs, and then didn't play so well anymore. I always blamed Mickey Morandini for that, though.

Here's a list of new rules my sister in Virginia e-mailed me:

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
the bigger the a-hole. If you walk into a Starbucks
and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat,
iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,
extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a-hole.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for ! There's a reason you don't talk to
people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days: mowing my

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you
out a window unless you're a seagull. People are
acting all shocked that a human finger was found in
a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Sirloin?
Luckily, it was only a finger!

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have
two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the
supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.
You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice
and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,
with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it ,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up
from sliding my card, entering my PIN number,
pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"
again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up
is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper,
plastic?! I don't have time for that. Next you'll ask
me to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
right above the crack of your ass. And it translates
to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one
of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised
the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching
those athletes at the poker table was just too
damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting?
Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's
called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm
extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies
based on crappy, old television shows, then you have
to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can
see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television show
in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to
be a movie.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex
with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently
damaged. I have a better description for these kids:
lucky bastards.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used
to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new
homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the
stuff you want and having other people buy it for
you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version
of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more
bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is
offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a
fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I
just want to wash my hands.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Why do they call it the "Most Valuable Player" Award when it apparently isn't?

I think Albert Pujols is one helluva good ball player. He's probably another season or two away from being the best player in either league. But he was not the most valuable player in the National League this year. The Cards would have won the NL Central this year with or without him.

My pick for NL MVP? Accuse me of team bias if you will, but I'd go with Andruw Jones. Look at his numbers for the '05 season- a career year. But look a little deeper: the injuries in the starting rotation and to Chipper Jones, the pig-shit bullpen, the rookies that made up a goodly bit of their line-up every night. Do you honestly think the Braves could have won the East if Andruw hadn't carried the team this season? I think not.

I could even make the case for Chicago's Derek Lee. True, the Cubs were cellar dwellers again, but how many more games would they've lost if not for Lee's glove, digging potential errors out of the dirt at first base, not to mention his offensive contributions?

Sunday, November 13, 2005

I've got a wicked case of the "lazy ass" and haven't posted in a few days. Haven't done much of anything lately, which I blame working six and seven days a week for. Of course, I really haven't had much to post, so who's to say which is the real reason for me not posting. I haven't, and you've missed me terribly. Haven't you?

I did get my most recent ebay purchase in the mail Friday: a sealed factory set of 1989 Topps baseball picture cards. All 792 of them. I had thought about leaving it sealed, as any good collector would do. That lasted for about 20 minutes; I opened the box and spent the next two hours putting the set into numerical order. I figure it's better to enjoy the contents of the box rather than the box, so to hell with collectibility. My favorite card in the set? Probably the Mark Grace card: he's my favorite player. There were several other cards I did enjoy, though. A skinny Barry Bonds who only weighed 185 pounds (pre-steroids?); a "skinny" David Wells who only weighed 225 pounds (pre-Big Mac and beer). The best picture had to be Kent Hrbek's card- he's got a wad of chew in his left cheek that's so large his face is swollen and distorted looking. Great stuff. To my delighted surprise, I also found two pieces of gum safely tucked into a wax paper envelope. I will chew one of the pieces and share the other with my friend Tommy upon a special occasion, yet to be named.

It's about time for some MVP's to be named, isn't it?

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Congratulations to The Bobby for winning his second Manager of the Year Award in a row (a record, I believe).

In my humble opinion, he's been one of the best managers during the past twenty-five years or so, but he really proved himself this year. Common sense would tell you that the Braves were going to tank it after inserting all those rookies into the lineup- not to mention the injuries to the rotation and that sack of monkey shit they trotted out as a bullpen. He got 'em to the division series though, and I'm glad to see his work recognized.

As much as he annoys me, I simply cannot stay away from the continuing saga of Terrell. I can't decide who offends me more: the mouthy, arrogant Terrell Owens who says whatever pops into his stupid, arrogant mind, or the newly contrite, apologetic Terrell who's ass is trying to cash the checks his big mouth has written. Dude, here's a little tip: if your gonna try and sound like you really are sorry, memorize the apology your agent has written for you. Don't read it from an index card.

Monday, November 07, 2005

I'd just like to congratulate Andy Reid and the Eagles organization for shutting Terrell Owens (and hopefully his mouth) down for the rest of the season.

You know, I can't think of anybody involved in professional sports during the past five or six years who's angered and annoyed me the way Owens has. He's acted like a spoiled little kid, one who doesn't have to play by the rules of good sportsmanship or social graces, simply because he's "T.O.". I don't care how talented a player is: his talent cannot outweigh the turmoil and havoc he creates in the locker room.

Personally, I'd love to see the owners get together and come to an unwritten agreement that no one will deal with this immature moron anymore, effectively removing him from the game. Go sit in your million dollar home and tell YOURSELF how great you are Terrell, because I'm tired of listening to your shit.